Becoming Woman

One of the toughest things for a transgendered is to know that you're actually living a lie. And it's staring you in the face every morning as you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror. It's like looking to a stranger. It just happens that the image that is reflected to you seems all wrong.

So one of the things you can undertake as a transgendered is to 'feminize' your appearance. Or even to feminize your body, eventually undergoing SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). The earlier one decides to do this, the better it seems. (Read Sarah's story).

One of the first steps is starting hormone treatment. There's a whole lot of literature concerning hormones, and caution is advisable. I wouldn't recommend starting treatment without proper medical consulting. But then, going to your doctor or a sexuologist with your 'problems' is already a big step.

Since it is my purpose here to share information, I'll let you in on some of the 'personal experiences' I've had taking hormones.

I've always had a fairly female figure on my own. A few years ago, I've been taking hormones I bought on the Internet for a couple of months. I now have small but firm breasts, and quite sensitive nipples. Although I would like them to be bigger. So a few weeks ago, I decided to start taking hormones again. I'll tell you more on this later. It's too late in the evening now, and have a busy day tomorrow.

Kisses. Fanny.

What is your feminine side

Too many times, people tend to hide or even suppress their femininity. Afraid of being 'read' as gay. In fact most crossdressers and transvestites are not gay at all.

Now what's the difference about being a crossdresser, a transvestites, a shemale or transexual? Do they all mean the same? In fact no. Nowadays there exists some consensus on 'degrees' of transgenderism and you can break it down like this:

Crossdressers are men who like to wear women's' underwear or sexy clothing just for the kicks. During so called 'closet sessions' they put on their female garment to get aroused. Crossdressing is one of the more harmless fetishes that exists. And there are quite a number of men doing this; most of them are to gay, meaning that they are attracted to the other sex. Many crossdressers have stable relationships with their female partners, even though they might keep their 'hobby' secret during their entire lifetimes.

Transvestites take this a step further. Not only do they 'dress up' like women, they also tend to 'act' feminine. Transvestites also have the impulse to go out like women. Besides wearing female undergarments, transvestites will also wear regular female clothing. The more casual, the better; although many transvestites like to wear skirts that are way too short. Transvestites may be gay or not.

Drag Queens are transvestites who like to dress up extravagantly. This is done mainly to compensate for their - often introvert - male counterpart. Drag Queens 'act' female. Many drag queens are gay. Often, drag queens will try to feminize their bodies using hormone treatments.

These 'categories' have no clear boundaries. Being a transgendered has nothing to do with sexual preference. The male-to-female transgendered may be attracted to females or males, just as any other women might be lesbian or not. However, you can say that 'crossdressers' and 'transvestites' have a clear erotic connotation to their 'hobby', whereas true transgendered people indulge into their 'other side' not to become excited, but because it just makes them feel better.

The first degree of true transgendered people does not have a clear designation. Most often, they are just referred to as 'transgendered', meaning that they balance between female and male. I, for one, fit into this category. I do not wish to become female, but I also know that I'm not 'male'.

Shemales is one of the more degenerative names for transgendered people who started hormone treatments to develop secondary female traits. Typically, shemales start careers in the sex industry, most often to be able to pay for their prescriptions and treatments. Most shemales are pre-operative transexuals, although not all shemales plan to undergo full sexual reassignment surgery.

Transexuals are people who feel that they are born in the wrong gender. Male transexuals are female in every sense, besides having a 'male' body. This feeling grows with age, as testosterone levels tend to drop when becoming older. This is why many transexuals start hormone treatment and undergo sexual reassignment surgery only later in life, even though this is something they wanted for all their lives. In fact, studies have shown that the earlier a transexual makes the 'transition', the better. It allows them for a better integration in their community and more success in their lifetimes. Some say that starting the transition during or right after puberty is to be recommended.

To find out more, there is an online test available where you can 'measure' your femininity / masculinity on the transgendered scale:

The COGIATI test

BBC Documentary: Secret of the Sexes

The BBC is running a new documentary series entitled "Secret of the Sexes". In the first episode (aired Sun 17th 2005) they uncovered the secrets of "Brainsex", meaning that gender is not as much determined by the outer organs than it is by the brain. It all comes down to whether or not you received enough (or too much) testosterone while in the womb. This causes certain patterns to be laid out, determining the brains' gender (and possibly also sexual orientation).

There's also an interesting online test available to where you can find out what the gender of your brain is.

I took the test, and (not so much to my surprise) my brain is right on the spot: female.

About Fanny Grrl

As far as I can remember, I've had this 'feeling' that I was different somehow. I was a girl. Definitely. I felt like a girl. I played like a girl. I liked to dress like a girl and I imagined myself being a girl. All the way. But... something between my legs told a different story. There, it was quite obvious that I wasn't the girl I so much hoped to be. That said. You all know now. I'm not really a girl. I'm a boy. Point Final.

And years passed by. The only memory I still have of 'knowing' that there was something different, is when I was about 4 years old. I don't remember much of it any more, it's more like a dream. I only remember going through the linen closet in search of some piece of clothing I could put on to make me appear like a girl.

As I grew into puberty, I spent a lot of time home alone. Every time this happened I was very excited. The moment my parents were gone, I was going through my mothers stuff. She always had some nice sexy clothes. And so I played in their bedroom trying on some of my mothers' clothes. When I was 15, I was very slender build, had long hear and had quite a feminine look. Back then, I had about the same size of my mother in about everything. It was one of the best times of my life.

But things started to concern me. Sometimes, people really mistook me for a girl. Calling me 'your big sister' when they addressed my little brother and stuff like that. It upset me because I thought they would discover my 'little secret'. So, when I was 17 and some hairs started to appear under my nose, I let them there, hoping that it would give me a more masculine look, whereas deep down, I wished things were different. Very very different.

And then I went of to Ghent to get some higher education. Being a student, I met a lot of girls. I had a room in a house where 6 girls lived, besides me and a guy. I felt attracted to girls, and one in particular. It never came to anything, but it confused me greatly. I knew I wasn't gay. Meaning that I wasn't attracted to boys. But I often imagined kissing girls.

I've had some relationships in that time (with other girls) and every time it involved my deepest feelings. Although I've never been able to 'disclose' my secret, fearing that she would be shocked and leave me...

Most of all, I didn't know where to turn to for information. The only information I've ever encountered until that time was an article in some adult magazine. There, for the first time I read about transgendered. And how some of them altered their bodies to match their inner persona. I was fascinated by that. How hormones could change your appearance. How some men underwent surgery and became woman.

And then the World Wide Web was born. But more important, information on transgendered people became accessible and abundant. I read pages and pages of information. I discovered the reason for my upsetting childhood.

Somewhere during pregnancy, I did not receive an adequate doses of testosterone. It gave me a 'female' brain and - later on - some physical features that are normally associated with females. As I've said, when I was about 15 years old, I looked quite feminine. My through masculinity hadn't fully developed until 2 years later. I looked like a 15 year old girl with long legs, a 'full chest', small hips but a fairly large bottom. Also, my hair growth has always been fast, full and thick. So I kept it longer than the average boy. (But shorter than the average girl).

Of course, all that changed in my late twenties and early thirties. Drinking a lot of beer, eating lots of cheese and foodstuffs with lots of calories, my 'figure' had disappeared. In the meantime, I also go married and divorced again. Now, turned just 35 I've decided that the time has come to 'change'.

This blog is meant to be my diary. I intend to post my most intimate thoughts about how things evolve. You have to know, being a transgendered is not a matter of choice. You're it or you're not. I don't dress like a woman for fun. It just makes me feel 'right'. And nowadays, when I come home from work, I just put on something 'comfortable' like a skirt and a T-shirt. Like any girl would.

So why this diary for all to see? Well, I know what other 'girls' like me are going through. And I had to find out a lot of stuff on my own. There's also little or no guidance and a lot of social pressure to 'keep hidden'. With this blog, I want to show others how things can or can't be done, step by step, by learning, as I'm learning to be myself.

I welcome your comments!
take care,

Fanny