About Fanny Grrl
As far as I can remember, I've had this 'feeling' that I was different somehow. I was a girl. Definitely. I felt like a girl. I played like a girl. I liked to dress like a girl and I imagined myself being a girl. All the way. But... something between my legs told a different story. There, it was quite obvious that I wasn't the girl I so much hoped to be. That said. You all know now. I'm not really a girl. I'm a boy. Point Final.
And years passed by. The only memory I still have of 'knowing' that there was something different, is when I was about 4 years old. I don't remember much of it any more, it's more like a dream. I only remember going through the linen closet in search of some piece of clothing I could put on to make me appear like a girl.
As I grew into puberty, I spent a lot of time home alone. Every time this happened I was very excited. The moment my parents were gone, I was going through my mothers stuff. She always had some nice sexy clothes. And so I played in their bedroom trying on some of my mothers' clothes. When I was 15, I was very slender build, had long hear and had quite a feminine look. Back then, I had about the same size of my mother in about everything. It was one of the best times of my life.
But things started to concern me. Sometimes, people really mistook me for a girl. Calling me 'your big sister' when they addressed my little brother and stuff like that. It upset me because I thought they would discover my 'little secret'. So, when I was 17 and some hairs started to appear under my nose, I let them there, hoping that it would give me a more masculine look, whereas deep down, I wished things were different. Very very different.
And then I went of to Ghent to get some higher education. Being a student, I met a lot of girls. I had a room in a house where 6 girls lived, besides me and a guy. I felt attracted to girls, and one in particular. It never came to anything, but it confused me greatly. I knew I wasn't gay. Meaning that I wasn't attracted to boys. But I often imagined kissing girls.
I've had some relationships in that time (with other girls) and every time it involved my deepest feelings. Although I've never been able to 'disclose' my secret, fearing that she would be shocked and leave me...
Most of all, I didn't know where to turn to for information. The only information I've ever encountered until that time was an article in some adult magazine. There, for the first time I read about transgendered. And how some of them altered their bodies to match their inner persona. I was fascinated by that. How hormones could change your appearance. How some men underwent surgery and became woman.
And then the World Wide Web was born. But more important, information on transgendered people became accessible and abundant. I read pages and pages of information. I discovered the reason for my upsetting childhood.
Somewhere during pregnancy, I did not receive an adequate doses of testosterone. It gave me a 'female' brain and - later on - some physical features that are normally associated with females. As I've said, when I was about 15 years old, I looked quite feminine. My through masculinity hadn't fully developed until 2 years later. I looked like a 15 year old girl with long legs, a 'full chest', small hips but a fairly large bottom. Also, my hair growth has always been fast, full and thick. So I kept it longer than the average boy. (But shorter than the average girl).
Of course, all that changed in my late twenties and early thirties. Drinking a lot of beer, eating lots of cheese and foodstuffs with lots of calories, my 'figure' had disappeared. In the meantime, I also go married and divorced again. Now, turned just 35 I've decided that the time has come to 'change'.
This blog is meant to be my diary. I intend to post my most intimate thoughts about how things evolve. You have to know, being a transgendered is not a matter of choice. You're it or you're not. I don't dress like a woman for fun. It just makes me feel 'right'. And nowadays, when I come home from work, I just put on something 'comfortable' like a skirt and a T-shirt. Like any girl would.
So why this diary for all to see? Well, I know what other 'girls' like me are going through. And I had to find out a lot of stuff on my own. There's also little or no guidance and a lot of social pressure to 'keep hidden'. With this blog, I want to show others how things can or can't be done, step by step, by learning, as I'm learning to be myself.
I welcome your comments!
take care,
Fanny
And years passed by. The only memory I still have of 'knowing' that there was something different, is when I was about 4 years old. I don't remember much of it any more, it's more like a dream. I only remember going through the linen closet in search of some piece of clothing I could put on to make me appear like a girl.
As I grew into puberty, I spent a lot of time home alone. Every time this happened I was very excited. The moment my parents were gone, I was going through my mothers stuff. She always had some nice sexy clothes. And so I played in their bedroom trying on some of my mothers' clothes. When I was 15, I was very slender build, had long hear and had quite a feminine look. Back then, I had about the same size of my mother in about everything. It was one of the best times of my life.
But things started to concern me. Sometimes, people really mistook me for a girl. Calling me 'your big sister' when they addressed my little brother and stuff like that. It upset me because I thought they would discover my 'little secret'. So, when I was 17 and some hairs started to appear under my nose, I let them there, hoping that it would give me a more masculine look, whereas deep down, I wished things were different. Very very different.
And then I went of to Ghent to get some higher education. Being a student, I met a lot of girls. I had a room in a house where 6 girls lived, besides me and a guy. I felt attracted to girls, and one in particular. It never came to anything, but it confused me greatly. I knew I wasn't gay. Meaning that I wasn't attracted to boys. But I often imagined kissing girls.
I've had some relationships in that time (with other girls) and every time it involved my deepest feelings. Although I've never been able to 'disclose' my secret, fearing that she would be shocked and leave me...
Most of all, I didn't know where to turn to for information. The only information I've ever encountered until that time was an article in some adult magazine. There, for the first time I read about transgendered. And how some of them altered their bodies to match their inner persona. I was fascinated by that. How hormones could change your appearance. How some men underwent surgery and became woman.
And then the World Wide Web was born. But more important, information on transgendered people became accessible and abundant. I read pages and pages of information. I discovered the reason for my upsetting childhood.
Somewhere during pregnancy, I did not receive an adequate doses of testosterone. It gave me a 'female' brain and - later on - some physical features that are normally associated with females. As I've said, when I was about 15 years old, I looked quite feminine. My through masculinity hadn't fully developed until 2 years later. I looked like a 15 year old girl with long legs, a 'full chest', small hips but a fairly large bottom. Also, my hair growth has always been fast, full and thick. So I kept it longer than the average boy. (But shorter than the average girl).
Of course, all that changed in my late twenties and early thirties. Drinking a lot of beer, eating lots of cheese and foodstuffs with lots of calories, my 'figure' had disappeared. In the meantime, I also go married and divorced again. Now, turned just 35 I've decided that the time has come to 'change'.
This blog is meant to be my diary. I intend to post my most intimate thoughts about how things evolve. You have to know, being a transgendered is not a matter of choice. You're it or you're not. I don't dress like a woman for fun. It just makes me feel 'right'. And nowadays, when I come home from work, I just put on something 'comfortable' like a skirt and a T-shirt. Like any girl would.
So why this diary for all to see? Well, I know what other 'girls' like me are going through. And I had to find out a lot of stuff on my own. There's also little or no guidance and a lot of social pressure to 'keep hidden'. With this blog, I want to show others how things can or can't be done, step by step, by learning, as I'm learning to be myself.
I welcome your comments!
take care,
Fanny
posted by Fanny G. at 9:37 AM
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